myself?” Is there a phrase that speaks to you in your particular situation, such as: 3) Every time you catch yourself being judgmental about your unwanted trait
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1 Exercise 1 How would you treat a friend ? Please take out a sheet of paper and answer the following questions: 1. First, think about times when a close friend feels really bad about him or herself or is really struggling in some way. How would you respond to your friend in this situation (especially when youÕre at your best)? Please write down what you typically do, what you say, and note the tone in which you typically talk to your friends. 2. Now think about times when you feel bad about yourself or are strugg ling. How do you typically respond to yourself in these situations? Please write down what you typically do, what you say, and note the tone in which you talk to yourself. 3. Did you notice a difference? If so, ask yourself why. What factors or fears come into play that lead you to treat yourself and others so differently? 4. Please write down how you think things might change if you responded to yourself in the same way you typically respond to a close friend when youÕre suffering. Why not try treating yourself like a good friend and see what happens ?
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2 Exercise 2 Self-Compassion Break Think of a situation in your life that is difficult, that is causing you stress. Call the situation to mind, and see if you can actually feel the stress and emotional discomfort in your body. Now, say to yourself: 1. !This is a moment of suffering ThatÕs mindfulness. Other options include : ¥ This hurts. ¥ Ouch. ¥ This is stress. 2. Suffering in a part of life ThatÕs common humanity. Other options include : ¥ Other people feel this way. ¥ IÕm not alone. ¥ We all struggle in our lives. Now, put your hands over your heart, feel the warmth of your hands and the gentle touch of your hands on your chest. Or adopt the soothing touch you discovered felt right for you. Say to yourself: 3. May I be kind to myself You can also ask yourself, Ò What do I need to hear right now to express kindness to myself?Ó Is there a phrase that speaks to you in your particular situation, such as: ¥ “#$!%!&'()!*$+),-!./)!01*2#++’13!./# .!%!3))4 !¥ “#$!%!#00)2.!*$+),-!#+!%!#* !¥ “#$!%!,)#53!.1!#00)2.!*$+),-!#+!%!#* !¥ “#$!%!-15&'()!*$+),-6 !¥ “#$!%!7)!+.513&6 !¥ !!!!”#$!%!7)! 2#.’)3. ! This practice can be used any time of day or night, and will help you remember to evoke the three aspects of self -compass ion when you need it most.
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3 Exercise 3 Exploring self -compassion through writing Part One: Everybod y has something about themselves that they donÕt like; something that causes them to feel shame, to feel insecure, or not Ògo od enough.Ó It is the human condition to be imperfect, and feelings of failure and inadequacy are part of the experience of living a human life. Try writing about an issue you have that tends to make you feel inadequate or bad about yourself (physical ap pearance, work or relationship issuesÉ) What emotions come up for you when you think about this aspect of yourself? Try to just feel your emotions exactly as they are Ð no more, no less Ð and then write about them. Part Two: Now think about an imaginary friend who is unconditionally loving, accepting, kind and compassionate. Imagine that this friend can see all your strengths and all your weaknesses, including the aspect of yourself you have just been writing about. Reflect upon what this friend feels t owards you, and how you are loved and accepted exactly as you are, with all your very human imperfections. This friend recognizes the limits of human nature, and is kind and forgiving towards you. In his/her great wisdom this friend understands your life history and the millions of things that have happened in your life to create you as you are in this moment. Your particular inadequacy is connected to so many things you didnÕt necessarily choose: your genes, your family history, life circumstances Ð thi ngs that were outside of your control.
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4 Write a letter to yourself from the perspective of this imaginary friend Ð focusing on the perceived inadequacy you tend to judge yourself for. What would this friend say to you about your ÒflawÓ from the perspect ive of unlimited compassion? How would this friend convey the deep compassion he/she feel s for you, especially for the pain you feel when you judge yourself so harshly? What would this friend write in order to remind you that you are only human, that all people have both strengths and weaknesses? And i f you think this friend would suggest possible changes you should make, how would these suggestions embody feelings of unconditional understanding and compassion? As you write to yourself from the perspectiv e of this imaginary friend, try to infuse your letter with a strong sense of his/her acceptance, kindness, caring, and desire for your health and happiness. After writing the letter, put it down for a little while. Then come back and read it again, reall y letting the words sink in. Feel the compassion as it pours into you, soothing and comforting you like a cool breeze on a hot day. Love, connection and acceptance are your birthright. To claim them you need only look within yourself.
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5 Exercise 4 The c riticizer, the criticized, and the compassionate observer This exercise is modeled on the two -chair dialogue studied by Gestalt therapist Leslie Greenberg. In this exercise, clients sit in different chairs to help get in touch with different, often confli cting parts of their selves, experiencing how each aspect feels in the present moment. To begin, put out three empty chairs, preferably in a triangular arrangement. Next, think about an issue that often troubles you, and that often elicits harsh self -criticism. Designate one chair as the voice of your inner self -critic, one chair as the voice of the part of you that feels judged and criticized, and one chair as the voice of a wise, compassionate observer. You are going to be role -playing all three part s of yourself – you, you, and you. It may feel a bit silly at first, but you may be surprised at what comes out once you really start letting your feelings flow freely. 1) Think about your Òissue,Ó and then sit in the chair of the self -critic. As you ta ke your seat, express out loud what the self -critical part of you is thinking and feeling. For example ÒI hate that fact that youÕre such a whimp and arenÕt self -assertive.Ó Notice the words and tone of voice the self -critical part of you uses, and also how it is feeling. Worried, angry, self -righteous, exasperated? Note what your body posture is like. Strong, rigid, upright? What emotions are coming up for you right now?
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6 2) Take the chair of the criticized aspect of yourself. Try to get in touch wi th how you feel being criticized in this manner. Then verbalize how you feel, responding directly to your inner critic. For example, ÒI feel so hurt by youÓ or ÒI feel so unsupported.Ó Just speak whatever comes into your mind. Again, notice the tone of y our voice? Is it sad, discouraged, childlike, scared, helpless? What is your body posture like? Are you slumped, downward facing, frowning? 3) Conduct a dialogue between these two parts of yourself for a while, switching back and forth between the c hair of the criticizer and the criticized. Really try to experience each aspect of yourself so each knows how the other feels. Allow each to fully express its views and be heard. 4) Now occupy the chair of the compassionate observer. Call upon your de epest wisdom, the wells of your caring concern, and address both the critic and the criticized. What does your compassionate self say to the critic, what insight does it have? For example, ÒYou sound very much like your motherÓ or, ÒI see that youÕre rea lly scared, and youÕre trying to help me so I donÕt mess up.Ó What does your compassionate self say to the criticized part of yourself? For example, ÒIt must be incredibly difficult to hear such harsh judgment day after day. I see that youÕre really hurt ingÓ or ÒAll you want is to be accepted for who you are.Ó Try to relax, letting your heart soften and open. What words of compassion naturally spring forth? What is the tone of your voice? Tender, gentle, warm? What is your body posture like – balance d, centered, relaxed?
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8 Exercise 5 Changing your critical self -talk This exercise should be done over several weeks, and wil l eventually form the blueprint for changing how you relate to yourself long -term. Some people find it useful to work on their inner critic by writing in a journal. Others are more comfortable doing it via internal dialogues. If you are someone who like s to write things down and revisit them later, journaling can be an excellent tool for transformation. If you are someone (like me) who never manages to be consistent with a journal, then do whatever works for you. You can speak aloud to yourself, or thi nk silently. 1) The first step towards changing the way to treat yourself is to notice when you are being self -critical. It may be that Ð like many of us – your self -critical voice is so common for you that you donÕt even notice when it is present. When ever youÕre feeling bad about something, think about what youÕve just said to yourself. Try to be as accurate as possible, noting your inner speech verbatim. What words do you actually use when youÕre self -critical? Are there key phrases that come up ove r and over again? What is the tone of your voice Ð harsh, cold, angry? Does the voice remind you of any one in your past who was critical of you? You want to be able to get to know the inner self -critic very well, and to become aware of when your inner judge is active. For instance, if youÕve just eaten half a box of OreoÕs, does your inner voice say something like ÒyouÕre so disgusting,Ó Òyou make me sick,Ó and so on? Really try to get a clear sense of how you talk to yourself.
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9 2) Make an active effo rt to soften the self -critical voice, but do so with compassion rather than self-judgment (i.e., donÕt say ÒyouÕre such a bitchÓ to your inner critic!). Say something like ÒI know youÕre worried about me and feel unsafe , but you are causing me unnecessary pain. Could you let my inner compassionate self say a few words now?Ó 3) Reframe the observations made by your inner critic in a friendly, positive way. If youÕre having trouble thinking of what words to use, you might want to imagine what a very compa ssionate friend would say to you in this situation. It might help to use a term of endearment that strengthens expressed feelings of warmth and care (but only if it feels natural rather than schmaltzy.) For instance, you can say something like ÒDarling, I know you ate that bag of cookies because youÕre feeling really sad right now and you thought it would cheer you up. But you feel even worse and are not feeling good in your body. I want you to be happy, so why donÕt you take a long walk so you feel bet ter?Ó While engaging in this supportive self -talk, you might want to try gently stroking your arm, or holding your face tenderly in your hands (as long as no oneÕs looking). Physical gestures of warmth can tap into the caregiving system even if youÕre ha ving trouble calling up emotions of kindness at first, releasing oxytocin that will help change your bio -chemistry. The important thing is that you start acting kindly, and feelings of true warmth and caring will eventually follow.
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10 Exercise 6 Self-compa ssion journal Try keeping a daily self -compassion journal for one week (or longer if you like.) Journaling is an effective way to express emotions, and has been found to enhance both mental and physical well -being. At some point during the evening when you have a few quiet moments, review the dayÕs events. In your journal, write down anything that you felt bad about, anything you judged yourself for, or any difficult experience that caused you pain. (For instance, perhaps you got angry at a waitress at lunch because she took forever to bring the check. You made a rude comment and stormed off without leaving a tip. Afterwards, you felt ashamed and embarrassed.) For each event, use mindfulness, a sense of common humanity, and kindness to process the eve nt in a more self-compassionate way. Mindfulness . This will mainly involve bring awareness to the painful emotions that arose due to your self -judgment or difficult circumstances. Write about how you felt: sad, ashamed, frightened, stressed, and so o n. As you write, try to be accepting and non -judgmental of your experience, not belittling it nor making it overly dramatic. (For example, ÒI was frustrated because she was being so slow. I got angry, over -reacted, and felt foolish afterwards.Ó) Common H umanity. Write down the ways in which your experience was connected to the larger human experience. This might include acknowledging that being human means being imperfect, and that all people have these sorts of painful experiences. (ÒEveryone over -rea cts sometimes, itÕs only human.Ó) You might also want to think about the various causes and conditions underlying the painful event. (ÒMy frustration was exacerbated by the fact that I was
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11 late for my doctorÕs appointment across town and there was a lot o f traffic that day. If the circumstances had been different my reaction probably would have been different.Ó) Self -Kindness. Write yourself some kind, understanding, words of comfort. Let yourself know that you care about yourself, adopting a gentle, re assuring tone. (ItÕs okay. You messed up but it wasnÕt the end of the world. I understand how frustrated you were and you just lost it. Maybe you can try being extra patient and generous to any wait -staff this weekÉÓ) Practicing the three components of self-compassion with this writing exercise will help organize your thoughts and emotions, while helping to encode them in your memory. If you keep a journal regularly, your self -compassion practice will become even stronger and translate more easily int o daily life.
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